It seems like every time I answer my razor these days, one of my girlfriends is on the other end screaming about getting engaged. How did this happen? When did my friends suddenly stop being sex fiends? When did they trade in their crazy, drunken late nights for early, sober ones? And most importantly, when did all my girlfriends suddenly turn into these scary things called Brides-To-Be?
Don’t get me wrong, I think one day I would like to settle down. But that one day is not any time soon. I figure, what’s the rush? I would really like to establish myself in the career world and become financially independent before walking down an Italian isle (or perhaps a Greek one). And if I do decide to get married, I would like it only to happen once, although that notion is considered very outside the norm. What I really question is, why do so many women feel like they have to trade a career for a man? Why cant women have both? We don’t live in a Leave it to Beaver world anymore. Unfortunately, divorce happens in 1 in 2 marriages. Women should prepare themselves for that. I am no feminist by any means but women should really stop relying on men for all their financial support. Its 2007- it’s about time women start taking control of their own fortune and happiness in life.
I recently read a darling article (atleast at first thought) in the July issue of Skirt. It was written by a very intelligent Columbia graduate. At first, I thought it was written beautifully, witty, and gave the whole prenuptial agreement a whole new light.
Wife For Hire
Sure,” I tell my fiancé the first time he mentions a prenuptial agreement. I’ve always assumed he’d want one. He has money and that’s what people with money do- they protect it.
“I don’t really care about it,” he says with an apologetic grin, “it’s just that my financial adviser…”
“It’s ok,” I interrupt him, “I’d love to.”
A couple of days later, on a warm early May evening, as we sip wine on the porch of his Cape Cod summer house, discussing what music to walk down the aisle to, he brings it up again. What a romance killer! The last think I want right now- two months before we vow for better or worse, till death do us part-is to be dragged into a debate of who gets what in the event of divorce.
“Just draft the damn thing with your lawyer and I’ll sign it,” I say and get up to prepare dinner.
The third time he invokes the prenuptial is to tell me to get a lawyer. Unless I am legally represented, the contract is invalid. It isn’t enough that I have to plan the wedding and arrange the honeymoon, but I have to look for a lawyer too?
“Don’t worry,” he says, “my attorney recommended one for you. Just call him and tell him that Mangold referred you.”
While I admire the Manhattan skyline through the floor-to ceiling windows of my lawyer’s midtown 19th-florr office, he gives me a brief review of New York State Marital Law.
If an asset is acquired after the marriage, he says, it is considered marital property unless it is a gift or inheritance. In the event of divorce, marital property is equitable divided between the spouses.
It sounds pretty fair to me, and I nod.
“You understand, don’t you,” he says, looking into my eyes, “that with the prenuptial agreement your fiancé is asking you to waive the rights granted you by state law?
I snap to attention. “Waive my rights?”
“He’ll specify in the prenuptial agreement what he wants to give you instead of what you the rights to have under state law,” he says and explains that these kinds of agreements are usually structured around the number of years the marriage lasts.
“Does that make sense?” he asks.
“It sounds just like the contract I signed at work.”
I get it now- my fiancé is hiring me for a wife: “Here’s your contract, honey. If you quit or I lay you off, say, in two years, you get this much, in twenty years, this much.”
And it’s up to my attorney to get me a fat severance check.
Just as I’ve become comfortable thinking in the plural and planning for our future, the prenuptial forces me to revert to thinking of my interests. To protect myself for the man I am marrying.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but when did divorce become as inevitable as death? Sure, shit happens, but I don’t want to be thinking at the alter, “till divorce do us part.” What bothers me most though is the feeling I am assigned a price tag. And a low one at that.
Later that evening, when my fiancé thanks me for dinner, I force a smile before I reply: “that’s why you pay me the big bucks, boss,” I say. He looks at me in dismay.
“Wait, you havent even hired me yet,” I go on. “I’m jus the intern, busting my ass for free in hope of being prompted to Wife.”
He doesn’t find it funny. And he’s right. What’s gotten into me lately. I’ve turned bitter, and as he points out, we havent even discussed the money yet. But that’s because it’s not about the money.
The prenuptial had made perfect sense to me when I thought it was mean to protect the assets my fiancé would come with to the marriage. Now that I know it safeguards the money my husband will make while I am at home taking care of our children, I am no longer sure.
After three years together, we have figured out that-surprise! - he has a comparative advantage in bringing home the bacon while I’m better at cooking it and cleaning up afterwards. As long as we’re both happy with the labor distribution as such, it sounds like an equal partnership to me. And should there be a divorce, both parties-according to the state law-walk away with half of the bacon accumulated during the marriage.
I can see how it might seem unfair to have to divide what he makes. After all, housekeeping and babysitting, which we both agree would be my share of the deal, are not the most profitable jobs. And should we make a numerical comparison, my contribution would seem pathetic at best. But how about all the money I will not be making because instead I’ll be changing diapers and cooking dinners?
I picture us divorced in 10 years. He- a successful gray-haired professional in his early fifties, behind the wheel of a convertible, a twenty-something chick next to him. I- in my forties, an out-of-shape divorcee with two kids and no job. He’s only gotten richer, while my value (professionally and physically) has decreased faster than his car’s. What’s so wrong with sharing the money we’ve made for these 10 years? And I mean we, for I would have built no career, secured no highly-paid job.
The more I think about the prenup, the more I worry. Wouldn’t it allow my future husband an easy way out? Wouldn’t it turn our marriage into a risk-free deal that can be easily broken should a younger-than-me stray woman show up? I shouldn’t be distrustful of my fiancé, I scold myself. But, then again, would he need a prenuptial if he trusted me?
But that is what marriage is all about. We are both taking risks by undertaking a life together. He risks losing money and I risk losing a career. And it seems to me-if we are to keep score-that the latter is a lot more valuable. It provides money but also fulfillment. I’m willing to give it up for our future family but if we are to divorce one day, a forsaken career would be worth more than money can buy.
We married in July, sans the prenuptial.
So, like I said, I first read this and I thought it was super cute. Then a couple hours later, I started getting bothered by this woman's thought process. If the woman is so worried about losing a chance at a career then why doesn’t she just have one? Why cant she have a family AND a career? And why does the woman already envision herself as an old hag at the age of 40? My mother is 65 and still looks like she is 40. That’s certainly not by luck.
I just think women are worth more than just being a man’s slave, so to speak. If a woman is happy becoming a housewife then more power to her. I don’t think I could do it, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with being one. Just don’t bitch about it like the woman in the essay. She is making a conscious choice to give up a fulfilling career, as she states it. She could have both, the family and the career, but she chooses only to peruse one path, not both. I don’t know, just seems like this marriage thing is worth more trouble than not. I am sure one day I’ll be ready for it but as of right now, I am definitely enjoying playing the field.
LOVES
mer
